Get a better nemesis
Competition is an opportunity to aim higher
Gooooooooood morning, afternoon, or evening, wherever you might happen to be!
I happen to be in Oxford, England, where I’ll be doing research for a few days (I just arrived!). Seven years ago, I was on the verge of starting a research fellowship at the Faculty of English after a year of unemployment, parenting a tiny person, and wondering what the heck I would do next with my professional life. So when I finally arrived in the city that is home to one of the greatest universities in the world (in my subject, anyway), waving a prestigious fellowship around, I felt…triumphant.
I mean, who wouldn’t?
I think it felt particularly good because for a long time I’d felt like I was losing. Not only had I not gotten a permanent post, but on a couple of occasions, I’d lost out to candidates who really weren’t all that impressive. And that’s the kind of thing that really rankles when you’re a competitive person (‘rankles’ is such a great word).
The thing is, in those particularly difficult years, I found myself dwelling on those other people. Why THEM? More specifically, why THEM and not ME?
And then one day, I was struck by how much energy and thought I was giving these people, without them even knowing about it. (Probably. Hopefully.) I wasn’t just letting them take up residence in my head: I was inviting them to live there rent-free! It occurred to me that, by dwelling on my resentment of them, I was actually giving these people a weird sort of power over me that they didn’t even know they had. Ironically enough, by dwelling so much on what I perceived as their unworthiness, I was actually making them my equals. I was acting as if they were worthy of my time, energy, and emotion.
That was when I realised something: I needed better nemeses.
I’ve mentioned nemeses before on here, though I can’t remember where. (Update: I found it, and ironically enough it’s in a piece about how important it is not to get bitter. I stand by that!) Roxane Gay is someone who’s incredibly public about her nemeses, though she doesn’t name names. Her social media posts about her nemeses led one writer to open a piece in The Atlantic with the line, ‘Nobody has more nemeses than Roxane Gay’. But the thing about nemeses is that they have to be worthy rivals. They have to be rivals you value in some way, whether because of their undeniable skill or intellect or because of their achievements or because they have some ability you don’t have but wish you had.
A good nemesis is so good that you can’t really stay bitter. A good nemesis is so good that they make you want to get better. And when it came to those people I was so busy grumbling about, that just wasn’t the case.
So if you’ve been falling into the trap of resentment (hey, we’re only human), or letting yourself get bitter, try thinking about your situation differently. Are the people you resent even worthy of resentment? Do they deserve to have you dwelling on them and their success?
If the answer is no, then it’s time to evict them from your brain. Look around. Think about the successful people you really admire, the ones who are earning every single bit of those careers you wish you had. And get yourself a better nemesis.
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VB,
M