AMA Q&A+
Discounts! Freebies! Writing Camp! PLUS: What do you do when a colleague keeps refusing requests and turning down invitations?
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Now on to this week’s round of AMA!
There’s this colleague of mine who keeps saying no whenever I ask for help with something or invite them to participate in something, and I don’t know what to do about it. I know they absolutely have the right to turn down whatever requests and invitations they like, but it feels like it’s a pattern with them, even though they always have a reason (e.g. they need to focus on a particular project at that moment and can’t spare the time). The thing is, whenever they’ve asked me for help in the past, I’ve always said yes! I guess I’m frustrated because it all feels a bit one-sided: I feel like I’ve been there for them when they’ve needed me, but like they’re never there when I need them. Is there anything I can do about this?
(M.K.)
Thank you for this question, which links up so well with my earlier pair of posts on the upsides of being generous and the upsides of being selfish!
If you’ve read those posts, you’ll know that I think there’s a strong case to be made for both: generosity can help you build up a wonderful career filled with collaboration (not to mention setting a good example), and a little bit of selfishness can help you prioritize your needs, which can in turn help you get more done and take better care of yourself.
However: you might also recall that immediately before making my case for generosity I recounted a little story in which I had been generous to a total stranger, who then expressed absolutely no appreciation for that generosity whatsoever. And even though I’d do it all again, I’m still a bit miffed about that! (Hey, I’m only human.)
It really sucks when an act of generosity isn’t acknowledged. And it can feel even worse when that generosity doesn’t end up being reciprocal. Nobody likes being stuck in a one-sided relationship. Nobody likes feeling used. And if the same thing keeps happening over and over? Ugh.
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